Piled up drafts

I have a lot of piled up drafts of thoughts stored in my Google Drive. I think it's about time I start releasing some. Better to have these writings out in the wild than buried. You never know when you're going to go, and it'd be nice to leave something behind.

Although, I will say it's not entirely about leaving something behind. There's more to it than that. It's also about overcoming personal struggles. Some of the reasons that I haven't published these drafts are due to overthinking, self-criticism, perfectionism, fear of what others may think (or may misunderstand).

These reasons have filtered and drowned me out. The more drafts I see unpublished in my folder, the less confidence and bigger hit to my self-esteem I feel. I'm communicating (to myself) that my ideas are not worth sharing. I am denying my self-expression. Because why did I even feel the calling to write in the first place? Is this something I chose? It's something I feel. It's something I do even if it's me just writing on loose sheets of paper I find. Certainly, I don't need to publish these writings to the public. I'm still expressing myself by writing privately to myself. But there's no denying that there's something in me that enjoys the sharing aspect. I enjoy being a person that others can learn from. I love hearing from others that something I have said has stuck with them and helped them in some way. I love seeing the faces of others when I say something and can see having a visible effect on them in real-time. That undivided attention multiplied by a word that struck profoundly--a moment of deep connection. It is those moments that I find most fulfilling.

And so, I must stop getting in my own way.

I must stop caring so much about what other people think. When you care too much about the opinion or perceptions of others, you put yourself at their mercy. You do only what you know will receive praise. You present yourself in an uncontroversial manner. You are prevented from doing things because of fear of judgment or "breaking your win streak" so to speak. But the crucial part here is that you can't flourish in a state where you are suppressing yourself. In fact, the opposite happens. One quote I've heard that captures this well is that [the] "suppression of expression leads to depression".

I'm tired of denying myself and who I could be if I didn't. I want to overcome the self-criticism, the people-pleaser, and just express myself as I am. Hitting publish on these drafts may not seem like a big deal, but I do think it's a big step for me in fully becoming the person I'd like to be.